Sunday, November 3, 2013

Can't come up with a decent enough title, so this'll have to do

For someone that hates drama, I've always been very prone to it. I seem to cause it, yet I hate it. Why do I cause it if I hate it so much?

Take this blog for example. It's all so emo and dark and stupid and melodramatic and horrible. I hate that. Why do I have to write such stupid pseudo dramatic things? I absolutely hate it. Yet, there are few personal posts that aren't over the top. You could say that happens because I tend to write during times of emotional turmoil or that I focus on the negative things whenever I do write in a stable state of mind- well, as stable as I can be at least.

I wanted- no, needed, people to read it, acknowledge it, maybe even respond to it. I didn't blog for myself. I'm not sure if I am now, but I like to believe I'm better off. Still, I can't help the thoughts of view counts popping into my head. Not that I ever check them anymore, but the thought is present at times.

Thing is, this blog, it is a reflection of my inner self. And I hate that. I hate myself.

It's funny actually. If I hate myself so much, why do I put in such a significant effort to stay alive? I'd say I put in a little too much effort, to the point of reacting to fears that may or may not be irrational, like what will I have to do to survive should I not get into university. A little extreme, right?

Despite that, I can't help but loathe myself. Like my blog, I feel I'm of no worth if no one acknowledges me. With the blog it makes sense; what's the point of a blog if no one's reading it? But with me? So what if no one likes me? That's an excruciating thought, and most frighteningly, could be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Can't you tell what I've been looking at these days? I used to be very paranoid about my physical health- still am, to the point of fainting due to anxiety during blood tests- but now I'm also a hypochondriac when it comes to my mental health, checking lists of mental disorders. I always knew I had problems, but it has recently been brought to my attention that they may be worse and harder to solve than I initially thought.

After ruling out bipolar, I found what one of my problems could be. Giving it a label has made it so much worse though. I still don't know what to do and I'm still problematic. And even worse, I don't know why I'm the way I am. Not that it would change anything...

I'm aware of my situation and I want to change. But can I? How can I? Is it possible? It's not healthy to be this way, not for me, not for anyone.

Problem is, I feel like it's out of my control. I'm ruled by fear and controlled by my emotions. During adolescence, I was very impulsive and aggressive, thankfully now I've settled. But even now I have spells of impulsivity. After a recent disappointment, I purchased a book. Okay, not all kinds of impulsivity are bad! It was a rather sensible purchase too. Three euros for a timeless classic. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I don't recommend it to non-native speakers of English. At first it was hard to understand, but I got the hang of it quickly. Accents and dialects, you know.

Instead of covering up my faults I flaunt them and laugh. Maybe because I think I'll attract attention this way. What can I accomplish that it so worthy of attention for me to use it to get my fix? It's easier to use what I've already got. What I need to do is not hide my faults though. I need to eliminate them. But yeah, until I do so I'll have to hide them.

Acceptance and the eternal battle to obtain it. There's nothing wrong with that really, except the fact that when I do obtain it I stop caring. Being beautiful just for the sake of being admired but having no interest in being approached... That's not really how I feel, but idealising such situations means there's something wrong with me. I do have a history of putting in effort to be accepted and when it happens that's it. That's all I wanted and I got it. Except it's not. But my emotions seem to think so. Isn't it weird? My emotions wanting the opposite of what I want. I'm at constant battle with them. A lot of my behaviours contradict themselves. It's easy to tell; people seem to read through me right away. I'm a terrible liar.

I can explain that behaviour though. I'm am always pursuing acceptance because I've been denied it so many times. Being more sensitive than the average person, instead of getting on with it, I let it affect me. There's one thing I like to think I do right. I don't like to blame my issues on other people. Or so I think. It's easier to hate and punish myself, so I like to think I'm responsible for everything. It also gives me a sense of control. But that's no good either. I need to stop. I need to say "so what? It's fine" and it really be fine. Maybe instead of punishing I need to start apologising to myself and forgiving myself.

I hope I can get over it some day. Stop feeling so deeply, be less sensitive, be more sensible, be more stable, be in control of my emotions, be less scared, be less delusional, be a proper grown-up. Find out who I am. Actually no, become who I want to be. Not necessarily a perfect person, but one I can stand being.

9 comments:

  1. Well for one.. your blog is indeed a bit emo and stuff, but I don't think at all that it is stupid.
    It seems it is for you a way to ... "exhale"?

    What you wrote here became pretty dark, I might even say scary...

    You are putting in effort to stay alive because where there is the unknown there is hope. You never know how things will go, you can never be sure. As a character of a series said " Death is absolute, where life is.. well full of possibilities". And we are freaking young, maybe not little children, but young.

    Can you change? My opinion is that most (if not all) people are able to change.
    Will you change ? Unknown. Not all people change. Many do. What I am stating is not contradicting if you understand it. Also it is just my opinion.

    About the acceptance. You say you do want it, and because you have been denied it many times it is something of big value for you. So maybe you are scared, that if you go for something beyond that, you will lose even the acceptance and so, you stay where you are, even though crave to move. You are going into "safe mode". What I am saying is a mix of what you are writing and how I sometimes feel. So maybe my opinion is a bit of a long shot. I hope not, and hope I don't come of strange.

    You commented once and told me I should try making my own blog. Well I didn't, but I did start a tumblr, it is not much but I like having one, so thanks for that.

    Here is a link
    http://jimmani.tumblr.com/
    I would really give me joy if you would like to send/write something in the inbox. If not it is ok too :-).

    P.S. I don't personally know you. But from the things I read. I am not sure why, but I do like you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment, I always enjoy hearing from you! I ckecked out your Tumblr, you've got some great pictures there.

      About the staying alive thing, of course I want to, it's just a little contradictory to my feelings of hatred towards myself. I feel like I'm not a very good person some times, and the time at which I wrote this post was one of them. I want to change that feeling and become a better person, one that will feel worthy enough to seek acceptance and more. But sometimes, like a lot of us, I wonder why people would want to be around me and why would they possibly like me. What caused this particular emo post, was some conflict, mainly internal. It was an issue I didn't know what I felt about and was guilty. I don't know why I'm still like this about mentioning it! Regarding the previous post, about the dating, it didn't turn out so well.

      Delete
    2. Sorry to hear about the dating.

      What is it that makes you not a good person in this moments/times?
      What is it that will make you a better person?
      Try not to be mean towards yourself and try to seek acceptance also from yourself.
      I also usually have similar internal conflicts of various tensions. It is just that somehow lately, the "better" side of me wins more often. Maybe it's aging and maturing I am not sure.. but I like it.

      Furthermore you look like someone that has a certain level of intellect and able to have a nice conversation with. You write. You have a few interests and I am pretty sure you have an appetite for life, even if you have some difficulties - internal or external.

      Επικοινωνούμε μόνο μέσω σχολίων, αν θα ήθελες να σου γράψω μέιλ μου ή να μου γράψεις το δικό σου να επικοινωνούμε και έτσι, θα χαρώ. Ελπίζω να μην το πάρεις στραβά ή ο,τιδήποτε, απλά όπως γράφω φαίνεσαι άτομο που θα μπορούσε κάποιος να ανταλλάξει σκέψεις ή απόψεις ή να κάνει μια συζήτηση κλπ. έστω μια στο τόσο. Αν πάλι δεν θέλεις και επιθυμείς να παραμείνει έτσι πάλι κατανοητό και κανένα πρόβλημα. Jimmys.


      Delete
    3. I have an anonymous facebook, but I don't know if a) you have an account, b) if you would be willing to share it. I'll send you my email on your tumblr. If you want to write yours here that's alright too.

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. Εσύ με ρώτησες για το blog ξενέρωτες έτσι; (just making sure).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Replies
    1. I have an facebook account, but it's not anonymous, so I am a little hesitant still (sorry). But I haven't gotten your email yet, only the question. I guess you changed your mind?
      Anyway, if you send it to me, I'll send you something and you will have mine too.

      Delete
    2. Just added something that might be helpful on the sidebar.

      Delete